Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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