i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
