I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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