I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Your cock deserves a montage
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
