Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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