my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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