I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
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I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
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our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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