Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
