i was born a porn star she said
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
