That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
