Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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