Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize