went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
