By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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