Ambien. No doubt about it.
I wish I only lived at night.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Randomize
