He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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