also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
