I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
