The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
