just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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