you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
