"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
