I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
