hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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