You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
