Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
