sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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