my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
