11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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