forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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