Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
