I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
