Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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