U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
