If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
