I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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