i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well I just put wine in my tea
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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