How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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