Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
