Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
