I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
