Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
