Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
