Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
