Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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