Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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