Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
People in love make me want to vomit
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
