my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
