we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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