So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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