Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The struggles of a small town man whore
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
