Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
