There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
